Conversations with an ENFJ.
So the one of the ENFJ's "undesirable" qualities is our constant worrying. And trust me, we hate having to deal with this just as much as you do. (We also worry that you are upset with us for worrying too much. *METAAAA*) Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to not care about something- like genuinely not care without shame. I hope that one I can learn this skill, at least in a way that I can turn my brain off occasionally.
Another ENFJ trait, which I think this is true for many NF types (and possibly the desire of most of humanity), is the desire to be understood. I want you to understand what my true intentions are when I say and do things and how your words and actions make me feel. With that said, I want to dive in to a small sect of that thought process: things I’m thinking that I want you to know.
I’m sorry that I don’t like small talk; I’d rather get to know you better.
I have sometimes been told that I'm "intense" or "annoying" because I don't want to talk about your career or why you moved to xyz city, but I want to talk about what you are passionate about and what your biggest fear is. It comes from a good place- I just really want to know you. I believe that these are the things that make people beautiful, and I want to see that side of you. I'm sorry if you're a private person... Sorry, not sorry.
Even when we disagree, I want you to know that I still care about you and respect your opinion.
As an ENFJ, I avoid conflict like the plague. However, all conflict is not avoidable (yet? can't a girl hope?). My personality type typically has a strong belief system, and I operate on a deep moral code. Even in light of this, I still can empathize with your side of any situation. I am pro-life, but I can understand why many women are pro-choice. Our stories are all different, and we didn't "stumble upon" our beliefs. We chose our beliefs based on many factors, and that is something everyone should learn to respect. So I want you to know, I don't doubt your reasons for your belief system; I just expect that same respect from you about my beliefs.
I will worry that you’re upset with me unless you tell me otherwise.
Basically, I worry about relationships. All. The. Time. Now this is where my personality type gets really annoying. If you are not a feeling type that opens up without prompting, I will regularly check in with you to make sure that "we are good". This also comes from a good place; I want to make sure that I am doing everything possible to be the best partner, friend, colleague, child, etc. that I can be. Also, my iNtuition function helps me sense if something is off, and I (unjustifiably) jump to the conclusion that it is about me. It's not because "I think everything is about me"; it's more because I want to make sure that it's not. I just want to meet your needs. LOL.
Sometimes I talk a lot about ideas; sorry if I come off cocky.
What I really want you to know about this one is that I never want to come off like I'm bragging. I love ideas, and I'd like to think my ideas are good! I just want to talk through them with you because I value your opinion. Furthermore, I want your help because my strength is coming up with ideas but not executing them. I also want you to know that when you try to "bring me back down to earth", it crushes me. Trust me- I'm very aware that some of my ideas are over-the-top, but I want to feel like I have your support, even if you think I'm crazy. If you don't have anything positive to say, then try "that's cool."
My empathetic nature gives me the ability to read your mood, so I’m sorry if that feels like I’m being instrusive when I ask. I just care a lot.
This kind of falls under worrying that your upset with me, but I still wanted to make a separate point. If you don't want to talk, that's fine. Just know that I know that you're not okay, and I am here for you when or if you need me.
I realize that I say sorry a lot. I am not sorry for caring, but I am sorry if it inconveniences you. In the end though, I am happy to be an ENFJ. It's a lot of hard work caring so much, but hopefully this gives some insight into why the ENFJ says and does what they do. Also, we love you. :)